I always found a way to speak up vocally or silently. When my mother was on edge and pushing me to do things I did not agree with, my best weapons against her attacks where to keep quiet, let the silence be. With my jaws locked I would let her spin into her own madness until she was done yelling or throwing objects in my direction. She would walk away full of anger, she was a strong spirit that never understood who I was. She tried to impose on each of us her own ideas of how we should live our lives.
To this day she has continue to influence my other siblings but since I stood up in my own way as a child, she wasn’t able to impact me. Instead I learned to stand up to her. While my siblings were terrified to even think of defying her.
The gap that was building at a young age between the two of us has never stopped growing, for some people it might be difficult to comprehend but when you feel like you are not born in the right place, including the right family, you are constantly being reminded you do not belong there, you can feel heartbroken or you are moving forward to go where you are supposed to be.
Working in the corporate world where the ego world dominates everything, I stood up for the good of the company letting everyone’s personal agenda blow into their face. My actions and knowledge infuriated the ambitious that wanted to climb the corporate ladder at the impediment of it.
It always made me laugh to feel like I had to wear my pink “bulletproof” vest before every meeting. I wasn’t popular because I wasn’t a “team player” aka a sheep that would agree to anything that wasn’t for the highest purpose of a company, thereby “being one of the gangs”.
Having that strong of a spirit, I never felt I would find my peace, my place in this world. But, when I finally unleash my spirit to fully express itself, I found myself alive, happier and grounded. Living my life, the way I wanted, on my own terms.
Having a strong spirit guided me along my journey, being authentic and speaking when it was needed brought me the peace. It doesn’t mean I was popular in the ego world but at least I never “sold” myself out for anything or anyone. I have kept my integrity to this day.